early years of numbing pain
i guess it was easier
for me to begin so early
to learn being ok alone
growing up as an only child
even though,
no one showed me the right path
so the roller coaster of feelings was madly
even more
for the ones that could give it a hand
that was much more worried in criticizing me
broken hearted
locked up in a child complex
until my adult age
attached to the desire of running away
in body and soul
as I could not in that time
I started to create imaginary goodness
the perfect escapatory
only inside this mind so damn full, though
the tears almost every day
the screams at least once a week
sometimes three
the conversation sitting on the sofa only imagined
the love confused with possession
the cold floor under my body while I felt it all
the undigested i-do-not-know-which pills
the monthly cuts on my wrists
hidden in fetal position inside my closet
believing in my core I was crazy
for wanting more than everything to feel some kind of peace
that could last longer than a minute
for wanting to be listened and comprehended
and they never perceived
so lost on their own
surviving on the auto pilot of no auto reflection
never there in body, in senses
after all,
how could they see what was in front of them all the time?
i am aware of what they went through
but if i only think of that
I am leaving myself behind
as they did, oh so
and I am sorry for exploding so much
that was the only way I knew how to spill it out (out of me)
living on the defensive (lasting until today)
already expecting another spill
from those bloody eyes
dove in pain so many times
it turned into a numbness
and a not surprising heavy weight on my shoulders
I did not know what to do
how to grow inside on my own
the lies, the ties, the sighs
and the grand desire almost accomplished of dying
which i have every scar (skin and heart)
i was so leashed on (handcuffed)
just waiting for the day I could really feel good alone
in this day I am proud of myself
I did it
I escaped it phisically
and a lot mentally
the right attention i can direct
seeding for even brighter days, trully concrete
today I know
I feel the most trully me I ever was
yes, in a deep exale, I can say
I feel good
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