early years of numbing pain

 i guess it was easier

for me to begin so early

to learn being ok alone

growing up as an only child

even though,

no one showed me the right path

so the roller coaster of feelings was madly

even more

for the ones that could give it a hand

that was much more worried in criticizing me

broken hearted 

locked up in a child complex

until my adult age

attached to the desire of running away

in body and soul

as I could not in that time

I started to create imaginary goodness

the perfect escapatory 

only inside this mind so damn full, though

the tears almost every day

the screams at least once a week

sometimes three

the conversation sitting on the sofa only imagined

the love confused with possession

the cold floor under my body while I felt it all

the undigested i-do-not-know-which pills 

the monthly cuts on my wrists

hidden in fetal position inside my closet

believing in my core I was crazy

for wanting more than everything to feel some kind of peace

that could last longer than a minute

for wanting to be listened and comprehended

and they never perceived

so lost on their own

surviving on the auto pilot of no auto reflection

never there in body, in senses

after all,

how could they see what was in front of them all the time?

i am aware of what they went through

but if i only think of that

I am leaving myself behind

as they did, oh so

and I am sorry for exploding so much

that was the only way I knew how to spill it out (out of me)

living on the defensive (lasting until today)

already expecting another spill

from those bloody eyes

dove in pain so many times 

it turned into a numbness

and a not surprising heavy weight on my shoulders

I did not know what to do

how to grow inside on my own

the lies, the ties, the sighs

and the grand desire almost accomplished of dying

which i have every scar (skin and heart)

i was so leashed on (handcuffed)

just waiting for the day I could really feel good alone

in this day I am proud of myself

I did it

I escaped it phisically

and a lot mentally

the right attention i can direct 

seeding for even brighter days, trully concrete

today I know

I feel the most trully me I ever was

yes, in a deep exale, I can say

I feel good