the inner question

 why do I even try?

I think I know a parcel of the reason

at the same time,

it is out of my hands

there are particularities 

in my actions and in my feelings

that came to me as gifts

those singularities

are in my genes, in my blood

and I can only analyze, but never truly let go

every being has heritages

consciously or unconsciously

every being has urges

locked up inside,

fulfilled in a open manner 

or even occult from anyone's sight

I still try to get attention from people I care about

although some of them does not show

the same caring for me or near it

ignoring, making excuses

leaving me to think that the fault is mine somehow

and there will be other times, I know that already

even though I can not stop it in me completely

it seems that it is out of my control

maybe one day

not by myself as it has been for sometime

what is in my power is to try

to get as far away from that as possible

in the mean time, try also not to go insane

with awake dreams to tranquil my restless mind

yet so, after so many analysis,

remains the inner question not entirely answered:

why do I even try?