This apartment (all the downs and little hells)

this apartment never felt like a real home

no matter what I did

no matter what I change

a tiny box that holds me and embrace me

when I need the most

lonely has more than one meaning to me now

here I stopped writing and did not understand

and when I did or it was too profound or too shallow

as everything in between

here I met depths and abysses inside I never knew they existed

mostly seeing something to do and not being able to

feel well enough to make a move

I feel this embrace is too tight

like the air misses me

and I almost always end the night swamped,

out of myself,

of here and now

and I pretend I am fine (oh well, who never?)

by saying everything is being done in my own time

that I am not addicted

that I have it all under control

that I try to take the will of just being still away

but maybe the energy here is not so smooth also

maybe the weight on my back is not all because of myself

this house was not a home all the time

although, I need to be grateful in some part

this place has been a haven somehow, despite

all the downs and little hells 

in this apartment was all and naught

the darkest night of the soul

the brightest sun of the summer

in this place I hid,

I pulled the pin, I pulled the plug

one thing I am sure,

I feel this relationship need to come to an end

finally, it comes the time of moving out

of starting over differently

this house was not a home all the time

although, I need to be grateful in some part

this place has been a haven somehow, despite

all the downs and little hells 

I experienced so damn well

counting the days to press reset