My Life is My Mind. (The Fear) [Anniversary of 300 posts]

Hello, good night! Here I will present to you a different post this time. A post-text or post-long thought to commemorate the anniversary of 300 posts of my Blog! This post is based totally on me.

Enjoy, and please, read it with the open mind. Thank you. :)

 

       And the suicidal thoughts strikes again. Ruining my present, making me to be running away from my duties, sleeping before the computer, which takes me where I crave to be. Suicidal thoughts caused by people whose I accustomed bad; whom I did not say what I really meant. People there are leaving me now. People that were never here.

These are moments. Only moments which I get involved too much, because I feel too much. And this is a problem. One hell of a problem.

Life is based on thoughts, actions and consequences. My life is only based on thoughts and consequences. If I think, I am doing, and there comes the consequences right behind. No escape is allowed. That is how I learned to surrender to some things and keep standing for others. That is how I learned that pride is a choice we made for ourselves; a choice that hurt us and the others around, and we choose whom to direct it.

Sometimes I dive myself deep down with the thoughts: ‘For what I exist? Am I going insane? Am I the culprit for all this?’ So, I write down these stuffs to organize them, and try to understand and answer myself. And if I cannot do it? Well, I stay in silence, crying or just over-thinking. Yes, I let myself down. A lot. Little hard things that I just crave to transform in little simple things are one of the causes. I am simple. I know I am. But I am stopped for the guilty of being wrong or being over-exaggerated. And I am not understood like this. I am understood like I am too different, too 'weird'. No one sees my side of the story, everyone just sees their own, making me to try to understand it all and help to save who has this… issue. And they let? No. Never. And then, they call me wrong. Well, I know I am a mistake to them. Not to myself, or to this world. But to them. To these people that I get too much involved.

I do not remember the bad memories, is the other way around: I only remember the best ones. That is why I keep asking for them to come back. That is why I dive myself into the deepest ocean you have ever known. My eyes say what they see without any words, just thoughts. I am made of thoughts. Thoughts and mistakes, by the fear... Yes, I guess this is my only problem.

It is complicated, because most things and people are seen only by their surface, their skin, their style. And it occurs with me; exactly this way.

My heart must be made of glass, just as my soul made of the fire of two sticks, when they want to ignite. I get too broken, sometimes only by one touch; the one opposite of Midas.

Some people see trouble where there is not, none. They do not see it through. They do not see it from my eyes. No one sees from my eyes. There is freedom inside them, locked up. By the fear of being unleashed and be guilty of something I did only by wellness of myself or someone else. There is feeling, and it is infested by it. There is happiness too, but as the freedom, afraid of what may happen. Fear is the word. Fear is the key. The only one. Fear is the cause of all what is happening right now. A step forward. A way up high. A challenge.

I need to set myself free. I need to set who is around me free. To unleash and let go, to finally do what I always wrote and write about. To change what have been killing me - before I am no longer here -, to rearrange my life, to transform me in someone better to myself. To quit the world I do not belong. These, are keys to a whole new me. This is the manly truth. To be able for me to come to the surface and breathe again. This, is what I crave more. And it is very simple, even if it does not look like: my life is my mind.

I am going out of my comfort zone.

Let they get what they deserve. I am no longer in control of this machine. Let everyone gets what deserves without my intervention. I have been not mine. I have not been me. So let happen what has to happen. I will be just observing. No more criticism or unnecessary entanglements. No more so much explanations.  No more discussions. I will no longer insist. After all, why insist on taking the creature from the middle of the road if it does not want? Why insist on a cause already lost? It is foolish. And I will not be a fool anymore. I will do what they want, I will answer the questions they ask, being who I want to be. Because I give up.