russian roulette (tired)

hello

I am tired again

and you?

this month is mixing it all up

I am feeling the Saturn's return very damn close

I am realising how much I loathe

being forced not even a little to do anything

that my insecurities nowadays decreased a lot

and what left are all in the motivation control

for now, I am studying inside my mind

the ways to make myself independent

mostly of bosses, and rules non sense, and prision

and earning under less what our work value

big changes are happening 

these last few weeks in and out of me are like the anxiety when seeing the hurricane 10' feet away 

I need to be aware by breathing

and writing

and planning

one

thing

at

time 

and never all at once as I do often

getting frightened easily 

oh changes, I love changes

as a part of me hates

there is no clue I am somewhat contradictory

earth, water, fire

nurture, texture, create, change, transforme

the garden of all my colours and corners 

so inside my reality, that

when my friend came and said

on'will all work out good in the end'

I just thought

no

because it is going one of five until now 

I am tired of playing in a Russian roulette

I want to get down

and be as rebellious as you think I am 

getting on the ground

and still watching from the sky 

I will, I will, I will

make it happen, then let it flow

the rest is improvisation

intuition 

and experience 

Come 

come easier times

sunlight, butterflies

feeling, watching

worries, the least

come back

come back to me