The Lackings

 you did not raise me to the world

you raised me for yourself

to your inner little worlds

so how do you want me to know everything

if you did not explain?

and when I asked to show me about the doubt I had

Instead of being introduced, 

I received bad critics,

without patience,

without giving me time to associate it all

growing up into adulthood

I had and still have a lot of problems

of communication, of understanding

the lack of independence ringing too loud

inside my head and almost in every single thing I did

the lack of confidence I was drowned into

getting to know my self worth later than usual

and yet now, in my 30's I am learning as if I was in my early 20's

I wish you both had patience and ears to me

to make me comprehend little by little

and listen without fear

without hiding questions and feeling invisible

after all, you had the power and education to do that easily

although both of you were not prepared to bring a human into this world

what you wanted for so many years 

was one and only based on your own idealizations

instead of the harsh reality of raising a child from zero

the battles, the cryings, the traumas

we had without need or attention

the disconnection, the lackings, the dramas

was all we had of true intentions

the culprit was not me

but you made me grow thinking that I was

so how do any of you want me to be

the best and most caring daughter

if I never had that love at home?

I feel it as a fassade

I can not act like nothing happened one more time

the limits are here and now I see them clearly

but you choose to be blindfolded, until today

and I accepted that I can not change you, finally