maternal prision

you locked me down for too long,

mom

in words

in the physical

inside my own self

never wanting to understand what was happening here

to wrap me in your arms when i have been feeling too much 

I know

you just did what you learned

what you lived

how could you do anything different?

I did your meaning of protection 

not watching over that it was passing a line to a possession and fear entwined 

I was a realization to suppress your deficiency of maternal love 

like a laboratory rat to test where you could go

the insidious happiness you planned for your life with your unique partner

but without any certainty 

without the consciousness and grieving and 

the act of closing the door to all of your greatest pains

inflicted on you, by important people, by yourself, by myself 

how could I understand everything you went through if you never did and never spoke it to me?

I was just in the middle of your inner chaos

so neglected, so denied 

I was a deception for so long

for not being exactly what you wanted me to be 

when will I forgive you for real I do not know

there is no doubt I need closures

from the another sometimes to heal the wounds entirely

I can not do everything on my own, and I know 

I know I never loved you

but I care for you 

I always dreamt of what we could have been

the bond many have I envied and cried for 

that we only had by the umbilical cord 

all of my organs felt

and still do 

for all of this

I got a sticky feeling of 

not doing enough, 

not saying enough,

not being enough

maybe time will show

will heal, will make us new

and whole together

maybe another life

maybe it was only learning

and never will do more than this.