the things I wish I could have told you when I handed you our end.

those words

were so self mirrored

they had no watching for the feels in the other direction

no care for the rough draining of the soil

these see-through eyes turned into winter cold ones

when I spilled only my point of view and feel on your face

when I threw on your lap our destination.

those are the things i know I was able to tell you

in that time

with the tight mind I was drown in

and I am so sorry for that

for leaving you astray

living inside my box

pretending to believe I was comfortable

the one I had the conviction that was the rightest fit.

I just betrayed you, our feelings and our memories

inconsequentially

with my core and my body

it was not ever worth it

and I paid for that, and much more

with your later reactions

with you acting like I was invisible 

with the soon shatter of this heart of mine

maybe I felt not exactly the way I left you

still I did some of it, and there was learnings

such mad learnings

I needed so, and never thought I would in that scale.

I know, many many years have passed

to be exact 7 and 8 months

you must be thinking,

"oh why is she bringing all of it now?"

this have been on my mind for quite some time

this and many other reflections 

of my past actions

of what was taught me through those paths I chose

the consequences brought to this plain and beyond

and I see now you were the one that got away

that I never really understood

for the differences in between

in age and whole experiences

my escaping was the most self-centered embrace

only because I was suffocated by the routine we were

only by the liberty of my spirit screaming at my direction

that should had been handled with any kind of care

everything I did not

not even coming close to making it worth it

every single thing we lived.

I do not know if you just

swept under the rug or truly surpassed it

after all, new eras have come to us individually

and with them

discoveries, happiness,

and their glows and downs

each one in its corner knew how

to deal in the best possible way

burdening ourselves sometimes, for sure

I just wish I could took care of you better

really hugged you with all my heart

instead of that almost hollow choice 

of the so distant envolving of my arms around you

before you closed the door that fateful day

and the way also I came back to you crying

feeling the heavy load and the space without you all at once

tasting my own poison

again, only watching my side

I thank you for everything I lived with you

that's what I needed

and I am aware I will never forget

I thank for having met you

and those are

the things I wish I could have told you when I handed you our end.