doubts and certainties

I keep thinking about the options I have

one so hard I would have to survive
and it can ruin even more
my mental
and emotional state
all at once
every day a little more
distant
lost and lonesome
for I feel it is not our time together
but their time to react, change and care for themselves
and I have no part on this
I already passed this kind of level

the other is like returning to the past
the old house I was so tired of waking up on
but in a different aspect of relationship 
with myself,
the ones we will be working on our caring
and the ones I love and miss so
this would be a retreat to boost
not a giving up
to release the arrow in the direction
I most want and need 
both in some kind of balance
I know this will be good to me 

I guess what is getting in the way
is my insecurity
and my mania of expecting the best of all and
everything

every time I am really thoughtful
I guess my whole soul drowns in the thinking
so when I ask the heavens and universe for an advice or a last certainty
it does not takes too long
like right now
I was staring at my phone,
immersed in the doubt about the right word to to fit in
but with the meaning of what I wanted in my head
and the answer was given
with a single bite and a long shivering
I thank from that to every single learning,
blessed be, so be it.